confessions

It’s one of the latest viral videos and everyone seems to be linking to or posting on facebook. It’s a video of a 47 year old woman from the UK who by all current beauty standards would not win any pageants. As she walked out on stage the four judges immediately wrote her off, as most of us did. She began singing and her voice was absolutely amazing. Most of us including myself began thinking a horrible thought “How could such a beautiful sound, come out of someone so ugly?” I was immediately convicted and ashamed of myself for thinking that thought. Here is a woman who according to scripture is made in the image and likeness of God and I instantly stripped her of her dignity,value and worth in my own head because of my messed up standard of beauty. I quickly began to think of all this fame and attention from her perspective. How would I feel to be famous for being “ugly”, something that I have no control over and would be marginalized if not for my singing talent? Lots of comments are posted in my facebook feed about this video most of them are not encouraging or beneficial, most of them are from believers and mocking.

I am thankful that Jesus sees past my outward and inward appearance. I am thankful that he saw past the unattractive/wretched state of my heart and mind and somehow chose to save me. I had no more control over my fate than Susan has over the way she looks. I know that I am thankful that Jesus saw me through his eyes instead of mine. Jesus saw her as beautiful and full of worth before she even opened up her mouth. Here we see “Amazing grace how sweet the sound, grace that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I’m found was blind but now I see.”

Found this on MSN.com most of them are pretty good

Being happier doesn’t have to be a long-term ambition. You can start right now. In the next 30 minutes, tackle as many of the following suggestions as possible. Not only will these tasks themselves increase your happiness, but the mere fact that you’ve achieved some concrete goals will boost your mood.

1. Raise your activity level to pump up your energy. If you’re on the phone, stand up and pace. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Put more energy into your voice. Take a brisk 10-minute walk. Even better…

2. Take a walk outside. Research suggests that light stimulates brain chemicals that improve mood. For an extra boost, get your sunlight first thing in the morning.

3. Reach out. Send an e-mail to a friend you haven’t seen in a while, or reach out to someone new. Having close bonds with other people is one of the most important keys to happiness. When you act in a friendly way, not only will others feel more friendly toward you, but you’ll also strengthen your feelings of friendliness for other people.

4. Rid yourself of a nagging task. Deal with that insurance problem, purchase something you need, or make that long-postponed appointment with the dentist. Crossing an irksome chore off your to-do list will give you a big rush of elation.

5. Create a more serene environment. Outer order contributes to inner peace, so spend some time cleaning off your desk and tackling the piles in the kitchen. A large stack of little tasks can feel overwhelming, but often just a few minutes of work can make a sizable dent. Set the timer for 10 minutes and see what you can do.

6. Do a good deed. Introduce two people by e-mail, take a minute to pass along useful information, or deliver some gratifying praise. In fact, you can also…

7. Save someone’s life. Sign up to be an organ donor, and remember to tell your family about your decision. “Do good, feel good” — it really works!

8. Act happy. Fake it ’til you feel it. Research shows that even an artificially induced smile boosts your mood. And if you’re smiling, other people will perceive you as being friendlier and more approachable.

9. Learn something new. Think of a subject that you wish you knew more about and spend 15 minutes on the Internet reading about it, or go to a bookstore and buy a book about it. But be honest! Pick a topic that really interests you, not something you think you “should” or “need” to learn about.

Some people worry that wanting to be happier is a selfish goal, but in fact, research shows that happier people are more sociable, likable, healthy, and productive — and they’re more inclined to help other people. By working to boost your own happiness, you’re making other people happier, too.

- gretchen rubin
http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/simplify-your-life/articlers.aspx?cp-documentid=16007878&GT1=32028

http://i.gizmodo.com/5167235/dow-jones-newswire-chimes-in-on-apple-netbook-rumors-claims-10-screen

This song was written by one of my new favorite artists David Ford. He is a singer/songwriter in London. He wrote this song called State of the Union about the last 8 years in the U.S. With the latest change in leadership i thought it was well.. appropriate..

David Ford – State of The Union

“Such was my beginning, and yet I must tell you that for the first ten years I suffered much. The apprehension that I was not devoted to God as I wished to be, my past sins always present to my mind, and the great unmerited favors which God did me, were the matter and source of my sufferings. During this time I fell often, and rose again presently. It seemed to me that all creatures, reason, and God himself were against me, and faith alone for me. I was troubled sometimes with thoughts that to believe I had received such favors was effect of my presumption, which pretended to be at once where others arrive with difficulty; at other times,  that it was a willful delusion, and that there was no salvation for me.

When I thought of nothing but to end my days in these troubles (which did not at all diminish the trust i had in God, and which served only to increase my faith), I found myself changed all at once; and my soul, which till that time was in trouble, felt a profound inward peace, as if she were in her center and place of rest. Ever since that time I walked before God, simply, in faith, with humility and with love, and I apply myself diligently to do nothing and think nothing which may displease him. I hope that when I have done what I can, He will do with me what He pleases.  (The Practice of the Presence, Brother Lawrence, Page 30)

I have blogged about this a lot in the last couple of years and i want to come out and say that i officially hate it. I hate this “thing” that is found in all of society but is most prevalant in Evangelical Christian circles and it’s killing us. The tendency to pretend that everything is alright when it is not. To smile and put on a happy face when inside we are burning.  Soloman calls those people fools. Only a fool would find themselves on fire and laugh and giggle and pretend they are not on fire.

Obviously if you are close with Laura and I you will know the last few months have been good. e.g. I am the happiest i’ve ever been with her. However, this particular season of life is particularly hard. Dark parts and very broken pieces and being brought out into the light and whenever that happens like a removing a cancer that is eating away at ones soul. It is a painful and messy process.

During this process we have received “advice” over and over. Seriously everyone has an opinion. Everyone has a comment, few of them are helpful and everyone is completely offended when you don’t take their advice. No matter how ungodly, unqualified or unbiblical their advice is. One person in one of our darker days suggested that Laura and I break up because it was too hard right now and if it was meant to be we would find go back to each other.  Despite the brilliance of that suggestion, we’re still together and more in love than ever.

This makes me sound bitter and resentful I know and in some respects maybe I am. I think this Christian Piety is killing us. I think this idea that everything is supposed to be happy and go well is a horrible idea that is found nowhere in scripture. Now as Christians I think most of us would mentally ascend to the idea that life is not a bed of roses. However praxis (practical application) would dictate other wise. I can’t tell you many well meaning people have said hurtful things like seriously cant you just get over it. Can’t you just meet with a pastor and get it resolved.  Can’t you just smile and pretend for the christmas season?!?

It is this false front, that prevents us from healing, it prevents us from growing and dealing with the dark places in our hearts, from dealing with our sin, or the sins that have been committed against us. It is completely  antithetical to any story in scripture.In fact Paul says in 2 Corinthians ““Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults,
hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Most people look at their circumstances for their joy, e.g. a good job, a big house, a good marriage etc… and Paul just said that no matter what happens. I am content. What Paul has realized is a profound truth. Paul has come to a place where his circumstances do not dictate his joy.  He could be beaten, cursed, thrown in jail and he is happy. Now that’s a little different.

So the question is why go through all this?  The answer is joy and freedom. Sure it would be easier in the short term to put up the false front but in the end the dark places would still be there, we’d still be trapped, God wouldn’t get his glory and we would not get our joy.

So for the sake of the gospel. I am ok with not being ok right now. I’m ok with this season of life being hard. I am ok with being depressed right now.  I am ok with not knowing how to deal with stuff. We are working through our junk and stuff. We are getting professional qualified help and as Revelation 21 says “God will get his glory one way or another”

Sometimes it’s days like today where the gravity of living in a fallen world seems to take it’s toll. In some moments it seems like the darkness is winning and there is no room for the light. It is in these moments we must cling to what is good, hate what is evil, and love what is lovely. In the words of the immortal John Mayer we must stay where the light is. It is that tiny speck of light that will save us.. Sappy? Maybe … but true never the less

I don’t know that since that summer at the mancave there has been such a season of common grace in my life… It seems that the past month and a half has brought about comfort, rest and relief. I’ll give you three of many examples where this has been so evidenced so clearly..

#1) Where i live…

Where i live right now is this amazing place where i have amazing landlords. Everything in my place is furnished and with the furniture I have, i am living in a place with stuff that is well beyond what i could normally afford. I did not do anything to obtain all this, it is simply a gift given….

#2) My job…

I start a new job on wednesday that pays me 50% more money. Allows me to basically set my own schedule and looks like a really fun place to work…

#3 ) An amazing girl….

One night while Greg and I were driving we were talking about being single and without thinking my mouth responded that “I was ok being single, that ultimately God was in control that I understood that he was soverign and that maybe he hadn’t brought around a girl cause he was working on some stuff in me.”

As i lay in bed that night I thought to myself, what the hell was that? Was that really how i felt? Where on earth did that freaking come from? Sometimes when you are wondering through a dark night, i think sometimes you forget that God is chiseling away at who you are and replacing it with more of himself. The reason i know this to be true is that historically this is not my honest response. My honest response would have been i hate this, when can i move on.

The way the following happened is completely from my perspective (as this is my blog duh!) and there is another side to this story… it can be found here.

I came back to vintage in all honesty to roll with one man…. that guy’s name is Johnny Thiessen. Johnny has had the kahonies to call me on my junk more times than i can count. He is a man that loves to encourage and eat chicken wings…

The story with the girl begins about a year ago. There happened to be this new girl at Vintage. Her name happened to be Laura  (This part of the story i’m totally not proud of) She looked a little how you say ‘homeschooled’, most people cannot see this quality but a kid who has been homeschooled can smell another homeschooled kid a mile away. As we went out to dinner with a group of friends, i proceeded to use all the filthy language i knew, and tell the worst stories that i knew. All this hoping to get a rise out of her. Instead of responding to me being a straight up jackass, she accepted me for who i was or the vignette that i put in front of her. As the year went on, i took notice of this girl in church who actually responded. In a church, of angry bitter church kids. It was really easy to spot one with a regenerate heart.. There was a season of 7 months where i was no longer apart of vintage and spent the time wandering around vancouver..

When i came back a girl was the LAST thing i was looking for… Seriously there are two single women at Vintage… I had always thought Laura was attractive but had never thought of her in that way…

To make a long story a fair bit shorter… We ended up camping in this camp up above Stillwood Camp that even boy scouts don’t camp in anymore… There were holes in the wall of the shacks that Fat Albert could have walked through let alone a bear. I’m thinking about writing a book about my shack experience… Ok i’ve totally digressed… Through out this weekend Laura and i interacted a few times but this was nothing out of the ordinary. As we left camp soaking wet and crabby… All i wanted to do was crawl into bed..

When i got home i dropped all my stuff on the floor and that’s exactly what i did. With my laptop on my chest i began to talk with Laura on MSN and a 20 minute conversation turned into 6 hours… She articulated all the things that I was looking for in a girl.. I won’t begin to repeat them all or we’d be here till next tuesday.  As the discussion progressed, it became super clear that i was very attracted to this girl and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to ask her out. So i did…

I very quickly realized this was her first date ever and i knew that even if I was not the right guy for her that this had to be spectacular. So i planned this elaborate date including sitting on the beach watching the sun go down and dinner at a fine french restuarant. As the night drew to a close we had the modified form of the DTR talk.. As we said our goodnights we took a few moments to pray in my livingroom and the past two weeks have been a blur… I love how i can be myself with her.. Instantly we have this connection where I don’t have to pretend… I don’t always have to be funny. We can have sweatpants dates watching tv on the couch or super elaborate nights on the town.. i am in love with this girl that Jesus saw fit to put in front of me. it is unmerited grace..